Seriously though,  kinda been forever since I have gotten on this thing.   Life has been. . . one word 'crazy' but honestly when is it ever not crazy.  I think thats what life is in esscense for all of us, crazy.   The crazy started when I got engaged.  Yes, I said it, engaged.   Absolutely out of the blue this fella comes along and in the beginning I was really happy.  We only had dated for two months, which is a red flag right there, but around here for some reason thats normal.  So, my family met him, at first, the really liked him, and then his true self came out.  I could go on and on for pages and pages of what he started to do, but  I'm not cause  I'm trying not to beat myself up over falling yet again for the wrong guy.  What happened that broke us up is pretty much the climax of the craziness so I'll start there, just cause one, its good to vent, and two, quite frankly I think its kinda entertaining sharing my life to total strangers

So it started out in late the middle of Novemember, probably a week before Thanksgiving.  Me and my fiance were planning on spending the weekend at my parents house while they went to arizona with my two sisters, which they were okay with, as long as we respected their house rules and didn't want us to share the same room.  Which I was totally okay with cause I'm a mega bed hog!  It was weird though, when I said my goodbyes, I really didn't want my family to leave, at all.  I really thought 'hey time alone with my man, AWESOME' but when it came down to hugging them goodbye I started saying 'I really wish I could go with you'.   Before they left my fiance went off on some tangent that he would be super respectful of all the house rules and went on and on about how he respected them and blah blah blah.  Pretty much being a complete kiss ass.  Right after my parents left he looked at me and said 'Alright babe I'm just going to move my stuff in your room.'  To be fair, I actually did talk to him a little about it before hand and said it would be fun sharing my room, but then I decided to respect my parents wishes and told him no, that I didn't really like sharing my bed.  After a few minutes of his pouting we watched a couple movies, got ready for bed and watched more movies.  We didn't really go to sleep, me being a night owl and him wanting to spend time with me we just stayed up. 

I don't know why it hit me at this point all the sudden, maybe beacause I had been thinking about it for awhile, and I just had to say something or I knew I would not get the courage to say anything after that point.  So, I looked at  him and said 'What would you say if I didn't want to get married?'

  I know I know, HORRIBLE!  But thats what came out in my little burst of confession I guess.  He naturally looked shocked and he said 'Wait, what, why?'  I kinda explained to him that I had been thinking about it for awhile and though that maybe it was just me and that I needed to think about it, and I just couldn't shake the feelings I had.  He then got really upset and said 'You don't love me anymore, your breaking up with me? ' .  I told him no, just wanting to wait on getting married.  He kept asking when would I be ready and was kinda hounding me for an answer and I started to get a little frustrated and I told him I didn't know when, that I couldn't predict the future.  He kept getting more and more angry and I told him that I needed some space for a few minutes so I went on a drive.  I did so beacause I needed to cool off, he was starting to really irratate me in that he was demanding if I had found someone else and if I was cheating on him.  After I came back with my comfort food (flamin hot cheetos with lime) he said, well since you needed some space, I do too, i'm going on a walk.   I guess he walked to far cause he made me come pick him up.  He then went on about how a cop stopped him and asked why he was out walking so early.  He told me the cop could 'tell he was really upset and wondered if I was ok, so he let me go, good thing you didn't have to bail me out tonight.'

I guess I should tell how dramatic this kid is, just to better understand.  If that was the first time he was overly dramatatic it really wouldn't bother me.  But in the past he makes every little trial in life like the end of the world.  For example : he wasn't feeling well at all and in a lot of pain so I took him to the hospital.  He had to have a semi emergeny galbladder surgery.  Which I guess is really scary and everything, but afterwards, you don't need to go on and on about it like you escaped death.  Maybe its just cause I work in the medical proffession so I knew it wasn't that big of a deal.  While he was at the hosptial though, he was one of those pts that if I was his nurse, I would go crazy.  He kept going on and on about how much pain he was in and that the medicines weren't working.  I tried to explain to him that the medicine really only takes off the edge, its not going to make it go away completely.  He also kept pushing the dang call light for stupid little things, like when the doctor was going to see him, and if they had white grape juice, and if they had a different soup then what they brought him.  I think why it bothered me so much is cause I know that the nurses have a million other things to do and they really can't be at his side right when he needs them.  He was actually getting mad that they were taking more then five minutes.  When the doctor came and talked to him and told him he could probably leave that night if he was getting up and walking around and able to hold food down he could go.  So right after the doctor left he got up and started walking around, he had this air about him like he was a miracle patient and was defying medical odds by walking down the hall.  He even passed his nurse and said 'look i'm walking!' like it was a miracle or something.  It really really drove me insane.   Also weeks later he went to the doctor cause he stomach still hurt.  So he went to the doctor and I was with him when they called to tell him about his lab results.  After he got off the phone he looked at me and said, 'Babe, *sigh* looks like I have some ulcers.'  I logicaly said, 'Oh okay, well thats good its only that.'  He then grabbed me hand and looked and me and did his dramatic sigh again and said 'They are bleeding.'  I really must be the meanest person ever cause I said 'Um, ya thats what ulcers do sweetheart'.  And then he said, 'well it looks like i'm going to have to take medicine for about six months'  I asked him what kind of medicine and he looks all dramatic again and says 'Prilosic OTC'  at this point I really couldn't help myself, I started laughing.  I told him that was pretty much perscription pepto bismol.   Also he kept calling in sick from work cause his stomach hurt.  He kept going on and on how I didn't understand cause he had 'major medical problems'  I told him that ulcers, while uncomfortable aren't a major medical problem.  A lot of people have them, eventually he lost his job cause he kept calling in sick. 

Anyways back to the drama

  He then asked about the weekend and if he should go home and to be completely honest with him.  I told him the truth and said, I think I needed a little space.  One because of how dramatic he was getting and two I knew that if he kept on with his attitude we would probably get in a huge fight cause he was starting to make me angry about me needing to 'prove' I wasn't breaking up with him.   Thats when the dramatics really started.  After I told him I would take him home (he has no car) he completely blew up.  He shouted at the top of his lungs 'F**K this!  I'll just walk home, you don't need to concern yourself with me anymore, cause obviously you don't give a s**t about me anymore.'  He lives about an hour away and I told him

that I would take him home and he kept shouting 'NO, NO, it doesn't matter, i'm not your concern anymore'  So he began packing,  you know how little kids pack when they 'run away' from there parents and they make sure mom and dad are looking while they pack, this was exactly what he was doing.  He kept looking at me making sure I was watching him so I kinda just rolled my eyes and walked downstairs.  He followed and pushed past me saying he forgot something, and so I went back upstairs and he followed me again.  By this time I had it and told him that when he decides to grow up to call me.  I thought I heard the door shut so I went to go watch tv and he was still there.  He said 'Well I guess you can give me a ride home after your birthday lunch with your co-workers'. (my coworkers took me to readlobster for my birthday.)   I agreed and went back downstairs to take a shower.  After the shower I went upstairs and he was gone, and so was my car.   I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry!!!  I text him and said 'Where are you?'  He was at Walmart and asked if I was mad that he took my car.  I just told him to come home and he said he was sorry and he should of asked first (no duh).  About five minutes later he walks in the door with a drink for me and hands me a box and says 'Open it'  In the box, was a ring.  I seriously sat there with this look of confusion for about two minutes.  Then came anger, I looked up at him and said 'What do you hear when I talk??'  I was so angry and then he actually got on his knees.  I stood up and said 'What are you doing?  Didn't we just in this huge fight because I DIDN'T want to get married?'  He looked at me and said 'Well this is the ring for when we finally do.'  I honestly felt so manipultated and angry.  I told him, once again that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get married at all.  Then came the line 'Well if you don't take it, it means you don't love me and your dumping me.' I got even more mad, but suprisingly didn't yell, or raise my voice.  I talked to him calmly and rationally and told him that he needed to take it back, I wasn't breaking up with him, but he needed to take it back.  Then I got called stuck up because apparently he thought I had a problem with where the ring came from.  I told him he could have spent a million dollars on it and I would still make him take it back.  He starting pouting again and started to watch tv.  So I went downstairs to sleep cause I had my birthday lunch.  I went to lunch about four hours later, before telling my boyfriend I would take him home when I got back.  At red lobster I ate delicious shrimp and had a good time with my co-workers.  One of my co-workers daughters I'm really good friends with and she was there too.  I told her I needed a girls night and that she should come home with me and we could go do something after I dropped him off.   On the way back I text him and told him that me and my friend were on our way back and we would take him home when we got there.   He did NOT like that and asked why I was being such a b*tch.  I had no idea what he was talking about and I guess he thought me bringing her along was so I didn't have to talk to him on the way up there.  Honestly, I didn't think of that at all, but he thought it was some huge conspiracy and threatened to walk home again.  I told him to go for it, and told me 'When you decide to grow up Christina, you know how to get ahold of me'.   About five minutes later I got home with my friend and we walked inside.  I had assumed that he had left, but when I opened the door he was standing with his luggage in the entry way waiting for me.  He saw me open the door, and said 'Bye' and pushed me out of the way.  It was kinda pathetic, he kept looking back as he walked down the driveway and started to head down the road to see if I was watching him.  Having had it, I just shut the door and told my friend we should order pizza.  Right before I called the pizza place he called me.  I answered and he told me to come outside.   I went and he said that he guess he would let me take him home and then started yelling at  me again for inviting my friend without talking to him first.  I kinda just ignored him and said I would just take him home.  We get in the car and he reminded me we had to go to walmart to return something.  My friend didn't know what it was so she asked him and he looks at me and says 'Ask christina, she knows.'  So while he went inside to return the ring I told her.  He came back after about fifteen minutes and went on and on about how they weren't going to take back a diamond and kept putting the word 'diamond' in with a hint at me that it was pretty expensive.  He didn't talk the whole way there and asked me to change the new usher song 'without you' cause it wasn't appropriate for the time right now.    We got to his house and I hopped outside to pop the trunk, it was super freezing and I only had on a t-shirt and jacket so I hopped back inside the car super quick and he yelled at me again saying 'Wow you can't even f*cking give me a hug!?'  I tell him simply, it was freezing outside and he has luggage in his arms.  I got out of the car when he rolled his eyes at this and he threw his hands up in the air and said 'No!  No! F**ck this!  you don't want one!'  So I got back in the car and began to back out.  Looking behind me I didn't notice him come to the window.  I hear a tap and its him and he says 'Come here'  I pull back into the drive way and my poor friend is kinda scared and says 'Christina don't go out there, he looks really mad, I don't want you getting hurt.'  I turn to her to reply then I hear 'CHRISTINA!  Get over here', and I look and he snaps, and points to the ground next to him.   That was when I had just had it, so I get out of the car, slam the door, walk right up to him, and say 'You NEVER talk to me like that, ever!  Do you understand me?'.   He then pulls this pathetic puppy dog look and says 'Well I just wanted you to come and give me a hug.'   So I give him a kinda halfhearted one and he smiles and tries to pull me in for a kiss.  I wasn't having it, I was seriously shaking with anger, I don't do well with guys who treat me like i'm their 'property'  He got very angry when I wouldn't let him kiss me, and so he pushed me away from him and said once again 'F*ck this!'  Thats when I said, 'Dude I think we need a break.'  He didn't answer and started walking inside, so  I headed back to the car.  I then heard a shout, 'Just so you know, on this break, you won't get any texts or calls from me!'.   On the way home, he kept texting me telling me he loved me and all that.  My friend kept saying, please tell me your breaking up with him, PLEASE!  He got so angry, he looked like he was going to hit you!'

L-o-n-g story short I did break up with him.  I acutally emailed him, which I know is kinda a pathetic way to break up with someone, but his whole reaction with us just not getting married so darn quick, I wasn't ready to deal with another fit.   When I sent him the email he kept calling me and I told him I couldn't talk cause I was at work.  And so he starts calling work, and eventually shows up at work, wanting to give me a letter.  It was all rather dramatic and immature.  I had to block him from facebook, my phone, and even had to delete an app on my phone cause he tried to talk to me and 'win me back' with that.  I felt super stalked.  I really did read his note and emails, and tried to reply as civil as I could, the whole time him accusing me of cheating on him and saying I found someone else.   He kept saying 'The man you saw that night wasn't me!'.   I really would have given him another chance if that attitude hadn't showed in the past. 

That was probably the longest blog I think I've ever written in my life.  Ha ha, anyways thats whats been going on.  As of late he hasn't emailed me anymore, which  I'm very grateful for.  I feel like I made the right decision even though it was painful and a difficult one.  Its nice that my family and friends were very supportive in my decision, even grateful. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with this fella.  But I know sooner or later I will be able to find someone who is right for me.

p.s. forgive the typos!  To lazy to fix them

Its true though, I'm kinda an expert at it.  I'm getting better at it though, and I now realize I'm doing it.  But sometimes I can't help but get these nagging feelings. . .

See I'm now engaged, which in itself is quite a miracle, my sister jokingly says 'the shrew has been tamed' to everyone.  He is quite an amazing person, I never thought I would say that I had found my other half, but its true.  The thing is, I think I'm still a little scared from my ex.  He left some pretty deep one's, it started out being emotionally abusive and then physical, and I became the typical domestic abuse victim and kept my mouth shut.  But finally, after him screaming in my face and telling me that I wasn't good enough for him and I never would be good enough for anybody else and he punched me in the face, I flat out punched him back.  And that was that, that night I broke up with him and I promised I would NEVER put up with that again.  So, now I found someone, who treats me like gold, and is the best thing thats ever happened to me, but I keep getting this horrible nagging feeling like it too good to be true.  Personally, that scares me to death, because I honestly don't think I have the strength to go through another heartbreak like the one before.  Giving someone that power again terrifies me to death.  I feel horrible because my fiance knows a little what i've been through, and I talk to him about my concerns and he keeps saying over and over again 'i'm not like that, i'll never do anything like that to you, ever.'  But he doesn't seem to truly understand, because it honestly still nags at me and scares me and he gets almost angry at the fact that after months I still have a hard time fully trusting him, which I totally understand.  I told him he has to be patient with me, and he says he will be, but honestly, how long can before his patience starts to wear out and then he's done with me?  The other day though I was thinking about all this and worrying and stressing and didn't know what to do and honestly prayed about it.  Then took a long shower got in my pj's, walked upstairs and there he was at the kitchen table with my parents with a dozen roses.  Totally unexpected and out of the blue, its almost like he knew I needed him to be there right then, without having really talked to him all that day.  

So I know this all sounds ridiculous but its still kinda eating at me.  I just barely called him cause he said he was bored, and then he picked up and said 'can I call you back?'.  And the first thing that came into my mind was he was with another girl.  Which I know is so so stupid and childish of me to jump to that conclusion, i'm twenty three for hell sake, but it still popped in there.  Stupid thoughts, I really don't know what to do , and I know I need to get them taken care of before I get married.  I want to talk to him about them, but it sometimes seems like he gets mad or hurt at what I'm feeling.  I don't know what I am going to do but know this needs to be taken care of before the marriage.  Its not fair to him to him for me to walk down the isle expecting him to eventually screw me over.

  Well hello there mindsay!  Its been quite a long time since I have been on here.  Tons has happened since  I've been on here last.  Not that anyone really reads this thing,  but just like to update on a few things.

Ghosts/spooks/paranormal experiences: Well those have been quite frequent.  Mainly because I think that I am opening myself up.  Which is kinda exciting because I am no longer afraid of it anymore.  I know that I am stronger then anything I come up against, even if its a darker entity. 

I did experience something at my best friends house, she has a spook in her basement that is at times, playful, others it seems kinda menacing.  I told her a little bit about it, but it seemed to really to scare her, and so I haven't said anymore.  But when I was babysitting her kids, I kept hearing things downstairs and went ot go invistagate.  This was after I had felt a presence there and had some major shadows shoot across the walls and stuff.  Anyways I started to walk downstairs and there was something in the doorway, and kinda hid when I came close.  So I grabbed a ball that was right next to me and threw it down the stairs and into the doorway and it bounced for a second in the basement, stopped for a good five seconds and then came bouncing back to the door way.  Needless to say I was kinda excited, and asked it what it wanted, thats when I heard a VERY loud bang, which sounded like the window being hit right in front of me, and I had the overcoming sense that it wanted me to leave RIGHT then and there.  So I ran upstairs and checked on the kids which were fine.  Anyways, no I don't know why its there, and no I don't know what it wants. .  maybe i'll go find out next time and see?

Friends/boys/drama/:  Don't you love it how I put all three in the same category?  Bwahahaha. 

Anyways so the ex that I talk a lot abou on here, is now married, to my ex bestfriend.  Turns out while I was dating they were flirting behind my back and after I dumped him, she made her move.  All the while comforting me and telling me 'he's not even worth it'  stupid bitch.  But so after I found out about it I stopped talking to her and whatever.  But about three weeks ago me and my REAL best friend and her husband and my friend Marc were all chilling together, and my friend kept getting calls from cait (bitch) and saying that her and John (ex) couldn't find anywhere to stay that night and that they had gotten kicked out of his parents house, cause his mom hates her, and his sisters hourse, cause his whole family hates her.  So we thought we could all bury the hatchet and invite them to sleep on the couch and whatever so that why they didn't have to stay in his truck over night.  So they came over cait saw me, ran to me, and gave me a HUGE hug saying 'Oh my god!  Christina!  I've missed you!'  Which I kind just said 'uh huh' to and pushed her off. and she went over to john and like hugged him, which actually made me laugh out loud cause he is like a good four inches shorter then her.  They just thought I was drunk, bwahahahah.  Anyways my best friends husband can't really stand this cait girl and she went up to him saying that she wants to work everything out, and I must say he was quite polite and stated 'I really don't want to talk about this right now', but she insisted and kept talking and held out her hand and he took it but then said 'this doesn't change things' and she got VERY angry, stormed out the door and john picked up her purse and followed her out the door like the pussy he is.  Me and my bestie kinda looked at each other and went to look out the window and cait was my best friends mans car and was like doing this 'downward' punching motion and was like FREAKING out, she looked like a psycho and we just rolled our eyes and went back to the bbq.  The next morning cait kept text heidi making sure that everything was cool and kept asking over and over again.  TURNS out that cait smashed in the drivers side view mirror and thats  why she was freaking out if we were all cool.  So we try calling and txting john and cait NUMEROUS times and they don't answer.  So  me and my bestie show up at john's house, they are outside on the steps, smoking and drinking a beer, which is slightly funny cause caitlin is over a year underage.  Anyways I had to stay in the car, cause there was NO way I was going to get out, I was pissed.  SO my bestie got out and pretty much told them how pathetic they were and they had no respect for people, and at first they denied it, but then said they said they would give us ten dollars.  Which made my best friend laugh SO hard she actually said 'what am I going to buy with that a fucking snow cone?' and then john starts yelling and said 'go to the junk yard! you can get them cheap there'  then my best friend said she wasn't going to do that and before she got in the car looked back at them and told them that john was still coming back for me for sex and to keep an eye on him and that I may be pregnant and we got in the car and left.  It lasted for about maybe 3-4 minutes.  So we got in the car, and left , called the cops, and pressed charges.   And after the cop got a hold of those two, they said they were going to fight it and get me and my best friend for harassment which is actually pretty funny due to the fact that they only said that AFTER the cop talked to them, shouldn't they have called the cops when we were there or after we left?  Anyways long story short, no I'm not pregnant thank god, and we may be going to court.

Anyways, yes lots of drama. Something good though. . met someone amazing, but being extremely cautious cause I have decided I like my heart intact, not in pieces.

Am I alone in here?

Knew you were here,
Sister confirms suspicions,
And beside the note,
You left on my bed
Where I held you so close.
Did you think I'd forget?
Couldn't be more of a mess,
For to breathe,
Used to be another way,
I'd take you in.

Well it's time to wake up,
And separate feelings
That I keep falling into.
Each seem like good reasons,
That I feel a break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
'Til it's answered I'll say.

Now it seems there's a choice,
That began with a break,
So today,
Know that never again,
Will I know you that way.

Well it's time to wake up,
And separate feelings
That I keep falling into.
Each seem like good reasons,
I'm gonna break down,
I don't care if it shows up,
I'm praying this for you,
'Til it's answered I'll say.

Am I alone in here?