Its true though, I'm kinda an expert at it. I'm getting better at it though, and I now realize I'm doing it. But sometimes I can't help but get these nagging feelings. . .
See I'm now engaged, which in itself is quite a miracle, my sister jokingly says 'the shrew has been tamed' to everyone. He is quite an amazing person, I never thought I would say that I had found my other half, but its true. The thing is, I think I'm still a little scared from my ex. He left some pretty deep one's, it started out being emotionally abusive and then physical, and I became the typical domestic abuse victim and kept my mouth shut. But finally, after him screaming in my face and telling me that I wasn't good enough for him and I never would be good enough for anybody else and he punched me in the face, I flat out punched him back. And that was that, that night I broke up with him and I promised I would NEVER put up with that again. So, now I found someone, who treats me like gold, and is the best thing thats ever happened to me, but I keep getting this horrible nagging feeling like it too good to be true. Personally, that scares me to death, because I honestly don't think I have the strength to go through another heartbreak like the one before. Giving someone that power again terrifies me to death. I feel horrible because my fiance knows a little what i've been through, and I talk to him about my concerns and he keeps saying over and over again 'i'm not like that, i'll never do anything like that to you, ever.' But he doesn't seem to truly understand, because it honestly still nags at me and scares me and he gets almost angry at the fact that after months I still have a hard time fully trusting him, which I totally understand. I told him he has to be patient with me, and he says he will be, but honestly, how long can before his patience starts to wear out and then he's done with me? The other day though I was thinking about all this and worrying and stressing and didn't know what to do and honestly prayed about it. Then took a long shower got in my pj's, walked upstairs and there he was at the kitchen table with my parents with a dozen roses. Totally unexpected and out of the blue, its almost like he knew I needed him to be there right then, without having really talked to him all that day.
So I know this all sounds ridiculous but its still kinda eating at me. I just barely called him cause he said he was bored, and then he picked up and said 'can I call you back?'. And the first thing that came into my mind was he was with another girl. Which I know is so so stupid and childish of me to jump to that conclusion, i'm twenty three for hell sake, but it still popped in there. Stupid thoughts, I really don't know what to do , and I know I need to get them taken care of before I get married. I want to talk to him about them, but it sometimes seems like he gets mad or hurt at what I'm feeling. I don't know what I am going to do but know this needs to be taken care of before the marriage. Its not fair to him to him for me to walk down the isle expecting him to eventually screw me over.
